Brain Freeze

I have sludged through Bulgarian copy all day, dissecting history, geography and climate, editing and rewriting. It's the first day back from the weekend and not a day to spend working, if you ask me. I had a funny spell at lunchtime, too. I wonder if I am having a kind of workaphobic brain tumour?

To add to my brain freeze I read some more of self-help book, 'The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People'. I really shouldn't have.

In the Overview (not gotten to Habit 1 just yet) the author says, 'The way we SEE the problem IS the problem."

This has given me a spiritual epiphany. It's very depressing.

You see, when I get mad at Steve for leaving the washing-up for me to do the next day, HE ISN'T THE PROBLEM. I am the problem! Me, impressing my desire for tidiness onto other people.

My internal paradigm is: "If the house is untidy, I am a worthless person." This informs everything that I do, making me too stressed to watch TV without tidying (yes, I know it's hard to believe. It's worse when Anthea Turner is on). It insists that Steve must do the washing up IMMEDIATELY, so that it is untidy for as little time as possible.

Sometimes my thoughts are so frightening that I think I can never get away, and I am going to implode. (But I am not telling that to the awful psychiatrist man who wrote the book.)

So right. It all seems to make sense but it frightens the pants off me.

Here's another one. When I fall off the top of a stile in a muddy field, it ISN'T Steve's fault for forgetting to help me. It's MY fault for borrowing from his strength. Borrowing strength nourishes weakness, you see? Expecting him to stop me falling will only result in me falling when he is not there. (Well, duh.)

But all the same, it's quite a relief to have someone to yell at when you get muddy and hurt your knee, isn't it? Therapeutic, maybe?

But seriously. I don't know how I will cope with the not-blaming-Steve theory. It is the very core of me.

And also, maybe it is Steve's fault just a little bit?